OH $#!% — THEY’RE PULLING ME BACK IN. NOW WHAT?
PAUSE → NOTICE → RESOURCE → REMEMBER → CHOOSE
1. DON’T ANSWER YET.
Unless there is a genuine emergency that requires immediate action, you probably don't have to decide this right now.
Don't answer just to make the guilt, anxiety, pressure, or hope go away.
Give yourself a few minutes.
2. NOTICE THE PULL.
What is happening in your body?
Dropping stomach? Tight chest? Buzzing? Numbness? Racing thoughts?
And what do you suddenly feel compelled to do?
Answer? Explain? Fix? Rescue? Agree? Apologize? Give in? Try one more time?
Just notice.
3. GET YOUR ADULT SELF BACK IN THE ROOM.
Feel your feet. Feel what's supporting you. Look around and orient to where you are now.
Find your Lip of the Pool—something that gives you even a little steadiness.
You don't have to make the pull disappear.
You just don't have to let it make the decision.
4. NAME THE OLD RULE.
Complete this sentence:
“If I don't give them what they want, I'm afraid __________.”
Maybe:
They'll be angry.
I'll hurt them.
I'm selfish.
I'm a bad daughter/son.
They'll tell everyone.
Something might happen to them.
I'll regret it.
I'll lose them.
Then remind yourself:
Feeling guilty doesn't automatically mean I'm doing something wrong.
5. REMEMBER THE RELATIONSHIP YOU ACTUALLY HAVE.
Not the relationship you're hoping for in this moment.
Ask:
What happened the last few times I said yes to something like this?
How did I feel before, during, and afterward?
What did it cost me?
What did it cost the life or family I've created?
You don't have to use the past to predict the future perfectly.
But you are allowed to use it as information.
6. ASK WHAT YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO OFFER.
Not:
“What will make them happy?”
Not:
“What will make this guilt stop?”
Ask:
“Knowing what I know, what participation am I actually willing to offer right now?”
Maybe it's what they're asking for.
Maybe it's something smaller.
Maybe it's something different.
Maybe it's nothing right now.
7. THEN RESPOND.
Not from the frightened child.
Not from the guilt.
Not from the hope that this time they'll finally become the parent you've needed.
Let your adult self get a vote.
I DON'T HAVE TO DECIDE FROM THE PULL.
PAUSE • REMEMBER • CHOOSE MY PARTICIPATION
Their feelings matter. Mine do too.
